I never thought that a day like today would happen In reality I had almost given up hope on ever seeing this day,It has been an eventful day for me,I am almost at a loss for words,and that is unlike me.I am emotionally drained had I not quit drinking some years ago I would at this moment be drinking but I am under the influence of something much more intoxicating than anything else I've ever used I am found somewhere in between life and that dream state where you jerk yourself into the waking realm.
I have often dreamed of this day and am asking myself are you in a dream because what has happened to you can't be real.
but I now it to be real because of the deep sense of sorrow not for myself but for those who have been effected by the poor decisions I've made in my life. people who's lives where forever changed and where set upon the path's they are now on because of having known me or in this case for having not known me.
I also have a very deep sense of satisfaction in knowing that my lack of involvement in their lives has in a way they will never know blessed them while I know for them they can never see what I have seen or feel what I have felt but when a person knows deep down that they where the worst possible excuse for a human being that there could have been,than He has to derive from that the uttermost clarity in seeing things for what they truly are and seeing that people whom would most be effected by you are better off to have had no effect to make them all that they where intended with no Ill consequence from having the burden of your companionship we are who we are because of the circumstance of our lives,and what we do effects others,so is it better to have effected those you love in no way at all,or to have had them suffer the ineffectually of who you really where ?
while it is possible for everyone to change are we to selfishly make others suffer while we in our lives are unwilling to make that change.what I know this day Is that because of my past many have suffered and I can only lay claim to it having been because of me.
I don't want to excuse who I was and only hope to be what I have become I am now who I am. And it is from this person that I must speak,I have come along way from where I began and Hope that any know me or hope too know me can from here continue on this journey with me as they see fit.
and To Erika and Anthony
I do not wish to be the father you should have always had I do not ask that you try to understand,I only can offer you this and that is that I was a failure as your father and I am still in the eye's of many found to be a failure, I am hated by many Loved by few I no longer make pretext to my life I have said for years now I am what I am you are the only Good things I did with my life and That I left to your mother.
I am proud of Her for you, She has been the man I never was,I do not pretend to be owed anything, anything That I could ever receive from you would be a gift and not something you owe me.
and what I owe the two of you could never be paid. I hope that I am afforded a life long enough to know you.and nothing more it is all I've ever wanted.I have waited for years to say so many things that I don't know where to begin,and it is in this that I hope for, some kind of a beginning.