Living on the edge of Darkness

I can not tell you how blessed I have been In the past year,but I am going to try! after living on the streets of this country for over 2 decades, within the last year many of you who have come to know me and befriend me on the newest form of internet interaction the wonder of social media know that my life in the last year has drastically changed. I have going from what others call chronically homeless what I have called for years terminally homeless.To having a place to safely dwell a small job which provides me a place to live and a space of my own.
Most people looking at my life would say I now have everything I need to start my life over and this to a great degree is very much the truth,I have by the very definition of the word supportive housing and that given By people who have acted in faith and there desire to help people. if I live to be a hundred years old I can in no way repay them for the, Love trust and compassion they have shared with Me. This may well fly in the face of some but to me it is proof that God uses social Media Also.
But my being blessed beyond measure is not what I wish to convey, it is that there is that which I never imagined would come with the blessings, or maybe I did and just pushed it into the back of my mind and it has become a part of my persona and what has kept me homeless for so long, It is the guilt which now comes with being housed,the guilt of those I left behind, and the fear for those That I know won’t make it and find the blessings I have found because it isn’t just homeless people I left behind It was family and friends and loved ones the people who for years have been the only Love in my life and the ones who have always been there for me, people who I have met in the Highways and byways Under your bridges and In your alleyways, and with who I have shared the common bond of the oppression and human indignity we faced together these Men and women who I left behind are my brothers and sisters.
I feel as if I am one of the holocaust survivors who was only fortunate in the sense that I escaped the death camp, but know that tomorrow the gassings of my loved ones will continue on in my absence I sleep less than I ever have in my life, having suffered from insomnia for years that is of no great concern,what bothers me is now the fear of sleep. and the fear of waking and fearing that I might screw this up at any time, and that this may truly be my last shot at life and if I fail at this I am destined to die on the streets. the fear I have that is greatest is that I will no longer see or talk to these friends of mine that sleep outside this night.or will they as my life goes forward become only distant memories that soon fade into my past overshadowed by a brighter future. and I ask myself is this the reason why when the fight against homelessness become the subject matter of conversation, I get angry, I have to choke back tears and I labor to breath. because The bigger question I now often ask is why me Lord? why am I spared? there are so many more deserving and in need than I so why me?
Some would say it is even now an obsession with me because I daily search for Homeless people who have died Fearing the day when It is one that I know,I also ask myself what is wrong with me that I desire at times to return to My homeless life? where people viewed me as hopeless as if it where a bad thing because I had moved beyond hope to a place of contentment, and was happy having nothing because the people I most loved were my equals. and I wonder will they now look at me as if I am different? Or will they Know that I only sit here writing this because I am afraid to cry myself to sleep wondering if they are safe and fed and not suffering,were their needs met today as mine were I Just pray that it is so with them.
I simply wish to share with everyone that it is most difficult to get out of the homeless life because we as a society believe it should be simple not realizing that in order to leave the homeless life behind, You must also leave behind Everything that is dear to you. because for most people that are fighting the problem do not understand that while the homeless are not a part of our community and our society they have one of there own but in order to have the basic Human right to housing all that must be sacrificed. because of societies failure to recognize Housing and a safe place to dwell, as a Basic human right is why the problem persist to begin with. we would rather say they only exist because they are broken. and this is the Focus of every poverty Pimp in this country see if they convince people that they need to be fixed first, than you will continue to pay them to fix us when what needs fixed is we pay people to help others when we should if funding anything fund people to help themselves.
I have always said I was A blessed Man and that is Because I am, My greatest Blessing is That God has A plan For Me and I do not know what it is. But I have faith That if I keep My eye On him He will see Me through all of this.